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Feb 17 2012 Published by under [Et Al]

In an apparent move of "one-upsmanship" West Virginia is moving to give sperm half the rights of "any God-fearing man". The new legislation, proposed by District 3 State Senator Nohe seems to be in direct retaliation for the recently introduced Virgina legislation (HB1) that would grant civil protection, or "personhood", to fetuses. This bill has been accompanied by a slew of other Virginia legislation aimed at stripping away abortion rights and personal choice. West Virginia is widely considered "the more backward Virginia" and was clearly offended by Virginia's attempt to take that title from them.

"They simply aren't going far enough." claimed State Senator Nohe. "Sperm is just as much alive as you or I, but just half of what you need for a human. That's why we are only granting half civil rights to sperm."

When questioned why the new bill only provided civil protections to sperm, and not eggs, Mr. Nohe replied "Have you ever seen a human egg? I mean actually seen one? They show you pictures, but people have pictures of Big Foot and Leprechauns. If we give rights to these "eggs" people claim exist, we might as well give rights to Leprechauns and I'll be damned if West Virginia becomes a laughing stock on my watch!"

When asked whether the "Sperm rights Bill", as it is being dubbed, could be in violation of the consitution, West Virgina University Professor of Law, Marilyn Kapman opined "Constitution? These idiots realize that they are going to make male masturbation a felony, right? No? Really? I'm the first one to bring this up? Okay, now I kinda hope the bill passes."

And so the Bill will see its first test in the House, where opposition has yet to really mount, due to the initial perception that the Bill was an elaborate practical joke. Debate on the issue will begin next week.

13 responses so far

  • chall says:

    ...you know... A decade ago I'd thought this was a joke... well, not so much.

    I guess the most dangerous thing out here in the world is a woman who can chose to have sex without "accidentially" getting pregnant? Of course, that power should be only manly... right?

    /off I go to calm down before meeting my coworkers of which some wll like this bill....

  • chall says:

    oh, and it makes sense in a warped way since it is prohibited in the old testament to "spill the seed" so why not make it illegal?! Because that's the way to go, if it's immoral it has to be illeagal.

    (sorry, it is just one of these things that make me very upset)

  • Did I miss all of March somehow? Today is April 1, right?

    "I'll be damned if West Virginia becomes a laughing stock on my watch!"

    Right Mr. Nohe, .... about that.

    >head hits desk<

  • anonymous says:

    Then, is kicking someone in the nuts attempted half-murder?

  • B says:

    Is this snark? No, seriously. Or is this from the Onion?
    Link please.

  • proflikesubstance says:

    Home-grown, I'm afraid. We can't let The Onion produce all our political satire or they'll be the Fanny Mae of the genre.

  • Zuska says:

    "Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great..."!!!!!!

  • Gerty-Z says:

    That is totally unfair. By volume, a sperm is only like 1/10000 of an embryo. Giving it "half" seems overly generous

  • proflikesubstance says:

    Everyone knows it's the DNA that matters.

  • CoR says:

    I want to know if G-Z googled 'sperm size relative to egg (or embryo)' today....

  • Isabel says:

    "West Virginia is widely considered "the more backward Virginia""

    Was this bigoted jab really necessary? Things are bad enough. If you are such a great liberal progressive, what ideas do you have to help the long exploited people of West Virginia? Or are they only good for a cheap joke?

  • gerty-z says:

    CoR I did NOT do that google. Also, DNA is overrated. It's all about maternal contributions.

  • anon says:

    Does this mean that only vasectomized and congenitally sterile men will be allowed to beat off?

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