Two kids, one hot weekend:
"If you keep trying to bite the cat, you're gonna get hurt."
"Please don't let her eat another crayon."
"See? Sand tastes yucky. I tried to tell you."
"Please don't sit on the couch naked, go get some clothes."
"I'm sorry, I don't speak whinese. When you can get ahold of yourself we can talk."
"It's not nice to fart on someone while they are reading to you."
"Did you really think it would be a good idea to put a box over your sister? Really?"
"When this kid starts walking it's gonna go all Lord of the Flies in here."
"Why does her head smell like a sourdough starter?"
"This child is like a magnet for danger. I'm convinced she would crawl right into a wood chipper without a second thought."
"We need to start covering the dinning room like one of Dexter's murder rooms before each meal. The clean up is roughly the same."
"Once you put sunscreen on her we'll never be able to grab her. It'll be like the greased pig at the country fair."
"Is it too early for a beer?"