In an apparent move of "one-upsmanship" West Virginia is moving to give sperm half the rights of "any God-fearing man". The new legislation, proposed by District 3 State Senator Nohe seems to be in direct retaliation for the recently introduced Virgina legislation (HB1) that would grant civil protection, or "personhood", to fetuses. This bill has been accompanied by a slew of other Virginia legislation aimed at stripping away abortion rights and personal choice. West Virginia is widely considered "the more backward Virginia" and was clearly offended by Virginia's attempt to take that title from them.
"They simply aren't going far enough." claimed State Senator Nohe. "Sperm is just as much alive as you or I, but just half of what you need for a human. That's why we are only granting half civil rights to sperm."
When questioned why the new bill only provided civil protections to sperm, and not eggs, Mr. Nohe replied "Have you ever seen a human egg? I mean actually seen one? They show you pictures, but people have pictures of Big Foot and Leprechauns. If we give rights to these "eggs" people claim exist, we might as well give rights to Leprechauns and I'll be damned if West Virginia becomes a laughing stock on my watch!"
When asked whether the "Sperm rights Bill", as it is being dubbed, could be in violation of the consitution, West Virgina University Professor of Law, Marilyn Kapman opined "Constitution? These idiots realize that they are going to make male masturbation a felony, right? No? Really? I'm the first one to bring this up? Okay, now I kinda hope the bill passes."
And so the Bill will see its first test in the House, where opposition has yet to really mount, due to the initial perception that the Bill was an elaborate practical joke. Debate on the issue will begin next week.