Since I'm in my Prof CrankyPants mode this week, I'll bust this out from almost exactly a year ago. Oddly, nothing has changed.
Dear Undergrad I am,
why must you send me much spam?
You fill my inbox with emails
more persistent than a swarm of snails.
Yes, you missed class I see
but concerned about this I can hardly be.
A vast array of details does not help your case.
In fact, you thinking that I even care is off base.
It is a shame that you were out in a boat
which after hitting a rock did not float,
but it is more than suffice to say
that you missed class and we'll be on our way.
I am sorry that your hamster died
and that you missed class because you cried
but a paragraph on how he was so fluffy
makes me want to stab myself like Buffy
I really don't want to hear about your friend Rob
whose member did start to throb.
He had to be taken to the doctor,
a trip you felt the need to proctor.
Don't eat the green eggs in the dining hall
a lesson that should be obvious to all
but you did not take the cue
and spent all class time in the lou.
Spare me the details of how much you were sick
and that you threw up all over your friend Rick.
I do not need to hear from your Mom
nor your roommate who witnessed it all, Tom.
You might notice in our classroom that smells like feet
that there are many, many a seat.
Is it that big of a surprise
that I did not miss your staring eyes?
It's time you grew up and get bright,
the slides are on the class website.
The readings are on the handout
your absence did not stand out.
Know the material for the test
and I hope you will do your best.
But please stop sending me excuses that are incomplete
because all I do is hit delete.